Your Separation Journey
The emotional journey from together to apart
This article was contributed to by Linda Singer, who is a psychotherapist
Everyone’s experience of the end of a major relationship is different. Some people will encounter serious distress. If that could be you, this article, and accompanying video, aims to help you help yourself. However, there is no substitute for personal, therapeutic support, which is recommended.
How are you feeling? If you feel stressed or anxious it is likely that you are cut off from your clever thinking brain. These states allow your primitive, emotional brain to be in charge. Some liken this primitive emotional brain to the brain of a lizard. Not your best self.
Anxiety is a natural, normal response to stress. Unfortunately, for many of us this often leads to a misuse of the imagination which then leads to worrying, which then leads to catastrophising, jumping to conclusions, putting yourself down, excessive introspecting, blaming, ruminating and black and white thinking, and even depression. Emotional stale mate. With a lizard in charge.
What is needed?
- First learn how to calm down and relax.
- Make room for clear thinking, problem solving and seeking solutions.
- Accept the weather conditions and adjust your sails.
- And see how your state of mind can change for the better.
In our video below, Holly loses her treasured life map (her relationship) and her life changes and takes a downward turn. Things go from bad to worse. But while she is gripped with fear and in the depths of despair, Holly discovers how she can make a new map of her own. One more suited to her needs.
As Holly learns how to calm down, relax, and how to stop worrying, she finds she can let go of her negative thoughts and unhelpful feelings. Holly is ready to begin to travel differently. She is thinking more clearly about finding new ways to move forward in her life and seeking out new destinations.
At sea, there will be no more arguing with the weather. Holly has learned to steer her craft whatever the weather. And she has learned to adjust her sails.
Holly begins to doubt the stories she has been telling herself, which, when held up to the light, and questioned, she finds they don’t hold water and most are not even true.
When calm and relaxed, Holly finds she has space in her head to think. Her new thoughts make sense and when held up to the light and questioned, her calm thoughts do hold water. They are motivating, helpful and true.
She begins to use her imagination for what it was originally designed to do. She begins to seek solutions and think of ways to solve problems. She stops the worrying. No more dreaming up the worst possible outcomes, jumping to conclusions, blaming, ruminating, black and white thinking and putting herself down.
The way forward looks inviting. It feels exciting. Liberating.
Her best self, again.